YOU know when YOU've been in London too long when...

"YOU say "The City" and expect everyone to know wich part of Town you are talking about.

You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton.

You can get in a four-hour argument about how to get from Sheperds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30, but can't find Dorset on a map.

Hookers and Homeless are invisible.

YOU believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

Your door has three locks.

You consider Essex the "countryside".

You're paying? £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain".

You pay £3 without blinking for a beer that costs the bar 28p.

You have 27 different menus next to your home telephone.

You're suspicius of strangers who are actually nice to you.

£50 worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag.

You don't hear sirens anymore.

You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the City's air/water quality and what it's doing to your insides.

You roll your eyes and say "tsk" at the news that someone has thrown himself under a tube train and think of the delays you are going to get on the way HOME."

I hope you find this as funny as I do.

Take care and see you soon.

OVER & OUT.